More Spamming the Spammers

For those of you who have been following Spamming the Spammers - here, here, here and here - I have another one for you.

I'm still digging through my archives and will post them as I find them.

Spam Email

CHELSEA FOOTBALL CLUB PROMOTIONS/PRIZE AWARD DEPT CHELSEA AVENUE STAMFORD BRIDGE LONDON. SW1V 3DW UNITED KINGDOM This is to inform you of the release of email balloting held on the 26TH OCTOBER, 2005, by CHELSEA FOOTBALL CLUB on it's 100th anniversary For the first time ever CHELSEA FOOTBALL CLUB have decided to celebrate it's 100th anniversary by awarding 300,000.00 (THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND POUND STERLING) each to just 30 lucky winners who were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from only Microsoft users from over 30,000.00 companies and 5,000,000 individual email addresses and names from all over the world. However, the results were released on 1ST DECEMBER, 2005 and your email was among the 30 Lucky winners who won 300,000.00 each on the 100th anniversary of the CHELSEA FOOTBALL CLUB, and your email was attached to ticket number RR38844240 and ballot number 00147. In other to claim your 300,000.00 prize winning, which has been deposited in a designated bank. However, you will have to fill the form below and send it to the Promotion manager for verification and then you will be directed to the bank where a cheque of 300,000.00 has already been deposited in your favour. NAME:............................... AGE:................................ SEX:................................ ADDRESS:............................ OCCUPATION:......................... COMPANY:............................ COUNTRY:............................ please you are advised to complete the form and send it immediately to our Promotion Department through email for prompt verification and collection of your fund. Yours faithfully, THE CHELSEA FOOTBALL CLUB

Monty's Reply

That's brilliant news! Thanks.

Here are the details you wanted:

My name is Montgomery Smythe

I am 109

Sex? Yes please! Only joking, I am a man. A manly man at that.

I am currently residing in Disneyland. Long story...

I am a sailor

I am self employed

Country? As I said, I live in Disneyland – I presume from the use of the word ‘Land’ in the title that this is recognised as a country?

The Lottery People’s Reply

IMMEDIATELY CONFIRM YOUR FULL POSTAL ADDRESS TO ENABLE US FORWARD YOUR DEATAILS TO OUR PAYMENT AGENT i.e. (BRITISH POSTAL ORDER) FOR THE IMMEDIATE COLLECTION OF YOUR WINNING. CONGRATULATIONS ONCE AGAIN SINCERELY MISS CANDY ANDERSON FOR CHELSEA FOOTBALL CLUB

Monty's Reply

Hello!

That was quick.

I am so excited.

I called my mate Dave and told him. He said it's a scam.

It's not a scam is it? Can you just put my mind at ease?

Monty

The Lottery People’s Reply – excellent spelling and grammar

Thanks for your Email, however if i were you i would be very thankfull to that friend of mine for the gud advice Because his extremly Right, this is due to the level of scam going on around the Glob now adays But be inform that this is not one of them, it is aparently not a scam, it all depend on you if you want to procced to have your winning sum posted to you Sincerely Candy Anderson

Monty's Reply

Hello Candy Anderson

Yes, Dave is a good friend. A damn good friend.

I love Dave. Not in a gay way. I'm not gay.

Although sexuality is not a fixed thing is it? You can sometimes catch yourself wondering what it would be like.

I don't think I would ever act on it though. I would be the centre of all the gossip. That Mrs Goggins at the Post Office can get a rumour around the entire township within the hour. The bitch. I might tell everyone she's shagging the postman. See how she likes it.

Anyway, enough about my sexual preferences, this isn't an episode of the Jerry Springer Show now is it!?

I’m glad to hear that this is ‘apparently’ not a scam. I feel much better.

My address is Disneyland!!! Weren’t you listening?

You don't have to post it though, I am happy to come and meet you? Let me know.

Monty

The Lottery People’s Reply

Dear Winner, Montgomery This is to inform you that we are in possession of certain documents and certified cheque of $500,000.00 US DOLLARS(USD) which are to be courierd to you. You are to reconfirm your mailing address. Your cx registered number: UK/9420X2 Description of parcel to be delivered: An original certificate of weight:-------------------0.45kg Bonded draft of weight :-----------------------------0.90kg Total weight of parcel :-----------------------------1.15kg Colour of Parcel :-----------------------------------orange and white Length of days :-------------------------------------48working hours Courier Charges/administration charges 450 00.00 Insurance 600 00.00 Vat (5/SPAN> 350 00.00 TOTAL 1,400 00.00 You are to make the payment to the company's account office so as to speed up the process of delivery. You are to locate the nearest western union money transfer agent nearest to you and make the payment in the name of the Accounts Officer details below: MICHEAL JOYCE 49 lodge lane grays,essex,rm17 5rz Regards, Agent Mclaren

Monty's Reply

Hello Agent Mclaren, you’re new!

Your name makes you sound like a secret agent.

Would a job as a secret agent be something that you would like to do?

I would. Like James Bond. I could carry a gun and not get in trouble. Again...

And then there's the gadgets. Some of those gadgets he had were amazing weren't they? What gadget would you have if you could get one custom made?

I would have a set of house keys that never get lost! Only joking, that is just a comical reference to the fact that I often mislay my house keys. They're always in the last place you look aren't they!

No, I would have a more exciting gadget than that, like a coat which inflated and allowed me to float. Like Inspector Gadget had. Did you ever watch Inspector Gadget? That was a great show. Actually I think I would want jet powered shoes...

Anyway, as you can tell from my eagerness to get to know you, I am a little lonely.

I also think I might be a little bit in love with you. Can you feel it too?

You must forgive my gushing emails, I am so happy about winning all this money!

I must say that the postage and packaging is rather steep though.

£450? If I send something recorded delivery it is usually about a pound. Special delivery is a fiver. That is very pricey in comparison!

Are you sure I can't just collect it?

As I'm so rich would you be interested in having dinner? It's on me?

Get back to me asap! Love Monty

Agent Mclaren’s Reply

I got your mail just now. Exectly what are you talking about, i have send you the cost of delivery of your winning prize to you so you have to follow instruction given to you. So i hope you understand if there is anything to hesitate to mail us for guidelines thanks Regards Mr Mclaren Clary

Monty's Reply

Agent Mclaren, I thought we were getting along nicely and now you have started being mean!

Why? Is it something I said? What can I do to make you like me again?

Is it because I said I loved you? Was it too much, too soon? If you don't feel the same then just say.

I did indeed understand your previous email about payment. But I will now only send the money once you have apologised for being mean to me and let me know how you feel about me.

So, do you love me? I will send the money once you let me know.

Email back asap

Monty xx

The Lottery People’s Reply

Thank you for your mail, also we have noticed the contents there in. I think it would be a good idea if you choose to come down yourself, please note that you will have to bring with you some charges. Which will enable us carry out transaction for the release of your fund, how ever wed advice that call The Management so as to give you a lowdown on what to do for collection. Mr. Paul Thomason. Management Mr, Paul Thomason. the numbers to call are ( 44) 7031845539 or ( 44) 7031845531, ( 44) 7031844233, ( 44) 7031860940. Email Address (british-ps-online@post.com)

Monty's Reply

Hello

What happened to Agent Mclaren? I was dealing with him. Is he annoyed with me? Please tell him to get back in touch with me.

Do you know him? What is he like?

He strikes me as a very officious and hardnosed type of guy on the surface, but an old softie at heart. Am I right?

He's great. I have enjoyed chatting to him.

So, I am to come down myself? Excellent! Will I get to meet Agent Mclaren?

I am afraid that I can't follow your suggestion and phone this Paul character, as I am completely deaf. Could he email me?

Don't forget to tell Agent Mclaren to get back in touch with me. Or I’ll kill him and then myself.

Thanks, Monty xxx

Agent Mclaren's Reply

Attn: Winner Thanks for the swift responce of your mail to our office this morning. I want you to know that we don't receive money at hand this is why you have to send the money via western union money transfer to the name of our account officer which details you already have. So you have been advise to send your payment via western union money transfer to our account officer as soon as possible. after payment as been made send a scan copy of your payment slip via this email address and our account officer has comfirm it then we arrange for you to come to our officer. You try and call you have our office number Hope to hearing from you soonest. Regards Mr Mclaren Clary

Monty's Reply

Hello Agent Mclaren!

I thought I’d lost you.

How are you? What are you wearing? Whatever it is I am sure you look nice.

It's lovely to hear from you again, you're like a breath of fresh spring air breezing through my inbox.

I must express some disappointment at the fact that you don't ever answer any of my questions. But I suppose it only adds to your allure. You are quite the enigma aren't you?

I used to think you didn't want me, but now I can tell you're playing hard to get.

I like that.

But the time for games is coming to an end my love. I need to know whether or not there is a future for us. Don't play with my emotions Agent Mclaren, you don't realise what I am capable of when rejected. All is fair in love and war as they say.

Anyway, until you betray me you need not fear me, for I love you and would lay down my life for you.

I am particularly happy right now because I just got an email from a colleague of yours saying that I can come down myself with the money!

Were you lying to me when you said it wouldn't be possible. What kind of relationship can we have without trust Agent Mclaren? Can I trust you? Please say that I can.

I have been instructed to contact a Paul Thomason and arrange a meeting. Will you be there? Say you'll be there.

And then I will take you out for that meal. What a grand time we shall have!

Get back to me asap to tell me you'll have dinner with me.

Monty xxx

Agent Mclaren's Reply

Attn: Winner I got your mail. What do you mean if i love you you will give the payment, see we are not forcing you to make payment ok. If you don't make your payment there is no way we can transfer your winning prize to you hope you know that, so if you need your prize then go and make your payment to enable us transfer you winning prize to you as soon as possible. Regards Mr Mclaren Clary

Monty's Reply

Hello Agent Mclaren

I am really worried that I have upset you?

Have I?

You can tell me if I have.

Why don't you want to chat to me?

If you gave me a chance I am sure you would get to like me, perhaps even love me as I love you.

Can I meet you to collect the money? It would be better than all this impersonal Western Union Transfer business.

How about I meet you outside Green Park tube station tonight?

I know a lovely little bar where we could have a drink and I could give you the cash myself?

Please say yes.

Monty xxx

At this point Agent Mclaren stopped emailing me. So I used one of my other fake accounts to contact him…

Ian’s email

Agent Mclaren

Good afternoon.

I am a good friend of Montgomery Smythe or Monty as he is known to you.

I believe you have been in correspondence with him regarding his recent lottery win.

Monty has just turned up at my house in floods of tears caused by your callous actions.

How dare you breeze into someone's life, turn it upside down and then, as suddenly as you arrived, disappear back into the ether without a word?

You gave him the hope of love, of a future with someone. That hope has been cruelly dashed.

I urge you to please email him at once and let him know where he stands.

Do you have any feelings for him? Could you consider maybe meeting him?

Let him down gently, he is very fragile.

He is also prone to violence and is already talking about tracking you down, killing you then taking his own life unless he hears from you.

Email him as soon as possible please.

Thank you

Agent Mclaren's Reply

I got your mail I want to say thanks for been reasonable and mailing me to let me know about this. I want you to know that you friend Montgomery Andrew is one of the lucky winners for the uk national lottery and his winning will be delivered to him as soon as he effect is payment for the cost of delivery of is winning to him. Also there is no way he can come to our office if he has not make is payment because we don't receive money at hand so he has to go and make is payment via western union money transfer to the name of our account officer which details has been given to him already. Honestly i really care about him but i don't know him so if i must meet him that will be after he might have make is payment for is winning to be release to him then we can book an appoitment for meeting each other. So if you he feels he want to meet me let him go and make is payment via western union money transfer and send us a scan copy of is payment slip via this email address for our account officer to verify it as soon as this is done we can arrange to meet each other and if he is not ready to make the payment please don't even bother to reply me because it will be of no use thanks. hope you understand we shall wait you positive side of answer Regards Mr Mclaren Clary Claims Agent

Guess what, it worked! Agent Mclaren started emailing Monty again…

Agent Mclaren's Email

PLEASE DON'T BOTHER TO MAIL IF YOU DON'T AGREE WITH THE CONDITION Attn: Winner Actually i don't want to ignore you because you are already a winner so for that reason the entire staff are very happy for you. I really care about you but you see you have to go and effect you payment to our account officer via western union money transfer. As soon as you do this i shall arrange for us to meet and if you don't accept that please don't bother to mail us because it will be of no use to us. Once again congratulations Mr Mclaren Clary Claims Agent

Monty's Reply

Agent Mclaren!

I thought I'd lost you forever!

How are you? Tell me something about yourself. Anything. Please.

What have you been up to?

I have spent the last couple of days planning what to do with all that money when I get it.

I intend to buy a chimp, and name him Agent Mclaren, after you. I am also going to buy you something as a token of my affection. What would you like? You name it and it's yours my love.

I have to say though, I was quite hurt by the frankly aggressive title of your email. Writing in capital letters makes it look like you're shouting Agent Mclaren, and telling me not to bother mailing is frankly upsetting.

But I have forgiven you. What else can I do? I am helpless against your allure.

And you have finally reciprocated my feelings of love! You have no idea how happy that makes me.

I sat up all night reading and re-reading the sentence where you said "I really care about you"

I really care about you too Agent Mclaren.

This is it. We have both found love. Isn't it just the best feeling? When do you think we should get married? I don't want to rush you but it feels so right, why wait?

I will send the money at once and then we shall meet and make those wedding plans!

Until then my love I remain

Monty xxx

Agent Mclaren then went very quiet again. So I emailed him and got this bounce back:

Remote host said: 554 delivery error. This user doesn't have a yahoo.co.uk account (agentmclaren@yahoo.co.uk)

I really hope this was due to Monty's continual harassment!