Wednesday 9 December 2009

Coming soon to DVD...me!



This time last year I performed at a couple of Robin Ince’s Nine Lessons and Carols for Godless People shows.

Look, there I am now. Under some stage lights that are conspiring to make me look ginger.



Well, the second night was filmed for posterity – which is bloody typical as I had a much better gig on the first night. I know, I know, excuses schmexcuses – and is now available as a DVD from gofasterstripe.com

So, you know, buy it and that.

Not because I’m on it (unless you’re my mum) but because properly good people like Stewart Lee and Richard Herring are on there. And the money goes to charidee.

I won’t be performing during this year’s run. I couldn’t make the dates I was offered.

I saw Robin last night at the launch party of the Atheist’s Guide to Christmas and he kindly asked if I could do any of the other dates, but I’m pretty much back to back between now and Christmas and even if I weren’t, it’s a bit late for Robin to have to mess around with his running orders.

I also got to thank him for all his help during the Face of Kinder competition.

The massive spike in my blog hits that you can see here:

That was down to Robin Ince and Peter Serafinowicz circulating the link one evening over on Twitter.

And of course as we all know, it paid off!

Anyway, one last quick thing before I sign off.

I am apparently going to be on Radio 5 on Friday talking about my Amazon reviews.

I’m not sure of the details yet, but will post them here when I have them.

Monday 2 November 2009

Ladies and Gentlemen...Paul Ross

Warning. This blog is very Paul Ross heavy.

So, that's the health and safety out the way. On with the blog.

Last week I spent 32 hours watching Most Haunted Live.

And it wasn't the huge waste of time that it might initially appear to be. For you see, this 32 hours of bogus ghost hunting was presented by none other than Paul Ross.



I always watch it for that very reason. He never disappoints.

Last year for example, he got called upon to do a lone vigil.

Here is the moment that his photo was selected by the 'ghost' (or production team to be precise) during a seance.



He then had to go to a morgue and lie in one of the drawers.

Now he was ok at first...



But after a while he started to panic...



In the end he ran out in a fright. Yvette asked him what had happened. His response? - "My hand was warm and I'm not wearing a glove"

Spooky.

Anyway, this year he outdid himself.

He got called to do a seance.



It started off fine.



But, oh dear, what's this. Is something coming through?





Paul turns to the team and announces that he is 'feeling sad'...



And he just keeps getting sadder...



And sadder...



And sadder...



And sadder still...



The emotion!



But wait, what's this now?



Apparently the audience have sensed a breeze, there's a ghost in the room!



This is terrifying.



Look into those eyes. Now you know fear.



I'll leave you with my favourite photo of the night. His scary look to camera.



He knows how to create an atmosphere.

Bet you wished you'd watched it now eh?

Right that's enough about Paul Ross. What I need you to do now, is go to my previous blog and vote for Isla, a little girl with Down's Syndrome, to be the Face of Kinder.

Please do this. It would be a great stride torwards more positive perceptions of disability.

Thanks in advance.

Wednesday 23 September 2009

Sudoku

What is it about Sudoku and hyperbole?

Observe.

Killer Sudoku



Fiendish Sudoku



Extreme Sudoku



Dangerous Sudoku



No other type of puzzle is this overhyped.

Why?

And how?

Whatever way you look at it, this is as exciting as it’s going to get:



Actually I tell a lie. There’s ‘Sudoku for Sailors’



Yes really.

And I quote: “This is the second in our new range of Sudoku gift books. Others in the line include Sudoku for Bird Lovers, Sudoku for Horse Lovers, Sudoku for Dancers, with many more planned. Send us a request!”

Right, I’m off to pitch all kinds of inappropriate Sudoku spin off books to them. Well, they did ask.

Ta ta!

Thursday 3 September 2009

And I'm back

Just a quick blog to say – I’m back!

Yes, the move went very well, thanks for asking.

We’re still without sofas though. They take 6-8 weeks to arrive, so we probably won’t have those until October.

A tedious detail there, which had no business appearing in a blog, sorry.

So, moving on. What to tell you?...

Well, although a lot has technically happened - and I have been so busy that I am still in physical pain - not much of it would qualify as interesting or entertaining.

The only things of note that I can think to blog about are:

1. I popped into Harper Collins recently to record my chapter from the Atheist’s Guide to Christmas for Itunes. Amazing how you can forget how to speak when you are required to do so on command. Got there in the end though and I’ll post the link here when I have it.

2. I did a gig the other night which a friend of mine came along to, during the course of which I did my Quiz Call material. My friend then proceeded to watch Quiz Call on the following Friday and won £150. He got to speak to Chris Hopkins too! That’s better than the money in my opinion.

3. And finally the September issue of New Humanist is out shortly, with part 2 of God Trumps thrown in as a free gift. Here’s a sneak peek of the front cover.



Ok, that’ll do for now.

Thursday 30 July 2009

Peter Simon

A few months ago Bid TV started following me on Twitter and we got into a conversation about my love for late night Bid TV presenter Peter Simon.

I chanced my arm and asked them for a signed photo which, I am pleased to announce, arrived yesterday.

You should have seen me. I was overjoyed.

The picture speaks for itself, so I’ll just leave you to drink it in:

Friday 17 July 2009

God and the Hoff



A blasphemous blog title I know.

After all, most people would argue that the Hoff is God, and that implying otherwise by referring to the existence of other deities, particularly on David’s birthday – Hoffmas Day – is heretical.

But don’t fret, because where this blog is concerned, for ‘God’ you can read ‘God related stuff’.

There is no God besides Hasselhoff.

More of him later...

Now, in the spirit of being slightly less vague and rambling, I’ll actually tell you what that ‘God related stuff’ is.

The editor of New Humanist – Caspar Melville – and I, are going to be recording an interview tomorrow evening about God Trumps.

The interview will be airing on the Sunday programme, on Radio 4 at 7:10am this Sunday (funnily enough, given the programme title).

If, like me, you can’t contemplate getting up that early on a weekend, then you will be able to listen again here.

Since they were made into a playable pack recently, feedback on the God Trumps from media types has been good.

Channel 4 newsreader Jon Snow said: “God trumps are marvellous, an absolute coup. They are positively iconic."

And Alok Jha, The Guardian science correspondent, said "They're the best things I've EVER seen!"

Hurrah! Now back to Hasselhoff.

My friend Layla has a friend who knows him.

This in itself is pretty good.

But better still, Layla has two tickets for Hoff’s birthday bash in London tonight, and one of them had my name on it.

I say had because unfortunately I have two gigs tonight and I didn’t feel right blowing them out.

Not even for the Hoff. What a sacrifice.

I am undoubtedly the Jesus to his God.

Tuesday 30 June 2009

A Night of 400 Billion Stars



Couple of things.

First of all, An Atheist Guide to Christmas is available for pre-order.



I’ve written a contribution, as have many other, better, and more well-known people like Richard Herring, Charlie Brooker, Richard Dawkins and Ben Goldacre.

And secondly, last night I performed at a Night of 400 Billion Stars at the Bloomsbury Theatre, London.

It was a really fun gig in aid of the Rationalist Association, the organisation which publishes New Humanist.

They were giving out free issues as the audience left, and were encouraging people to subscribe by telling them they’d get a free pack of my God Trumps.

Robin Ince played a few rounds of God Trumps with the audience between acts to promote them, which I watched from backstage. Very surreal!

Anyway, if you couldn’t make it down, here’s a transcript of my set. Remember, it’s how I tell them:

(I had considered opening with “Is this still a physics night or has it been commuted to a Michael Jackson special” but thought better of it)

Hello! Do you like my tights?

(In honour of the theme of the night I wore sparkly silver tights)

I wore them because they looked like the kind of tights people might wear in outer space, or the future.

So anyway, yes, comedy, comedy about physics...

Ok, I’ve got one;

What do you get when you cross observed frequency and actual frequency?

...and the speed of sound, the velocity of the observer and the velocity of the source?

The apparent (observed) frequency of an object in motion.

Yeah. Physics jokes. Hard to write.

Although if you’re familiar with the principles of the Doppler Effect you’ll probably be chuckling away to yourself, because you’ll know I should have added that if the distance between the source and observer is decreasing, then you’ll need to adjust your equation, forward slash, joke.

Just a bit of fun.

Just a bit of fun. With physics. Of a Monday. Hmm.

I actually Googled physics jokes before the gig – to see what one would look like – and found a website which uses physics jokes to teach physics.

What they do is they have the joke, like this:

Question: What did one quantum physicist say when he wanted to fight the other quantum physicist?

Answer: Let me atom

Right, and then underneath it says ‘click here for an explanation’ – as well you might.

You click through and it says “atom should be read here as ‘at him’ as in ‘let me at him’” – just explaining the pun there – and then it goes on to explain what an atom is.

Hilarious and educational.

There was also “What was the name of the famous electricity detective?” “Sherlock Ohms”

Ohms. Ohms. You know, like an Ohm.

You then click through, there’s a laborious explanation of the pun and you learn what an Ohm is.

Not a method of teaching you see often. I wonder why.

So you all like physics yeah? All of you? Wow there’s loads of you. That’s...wow. You all like it?...

I hate physics.

It's rubbish.

I realise this might sound odd coming from someone standing on stage at an event which is ostensibly a celebration thereof but, we’re in a credit crunch. A gig’s a gig.

So, yes, I hate physics and my reasons are threefold, as all good reasoning systems should be.

Firstly, before physics came along, everything was really good.

The Universe was Earth centric which was lovely. Made me feel really important. And God was up there in His Heavens, which I think was the clouds or outer space or something.

But thanks to physics we now know that the Earth goes round the Sun and that there’s nothing up there except condensation and vast nothingness.

Thanks for that!

You happy?

Although I’m not convinced about Heaven not being real. Because Nicky Campbell, and he’s off Watchdog so he should know, said that Heaven is real on last week’s Big Questions.

And better than that, animals join us in Heaven.

I suppose you’ll want to spoil that with your physics now won’t you?

He had a vicar on the panel who took animal prayer groups. Yes really. And she confirmed that animals do go to Heaven. Then Nicky asked “what’s the species cut off point? Do wasps get in?” And she said “Yes. Wasps do get in. Although I don’t claim to understand the logistics of it”

That’s good. She’s reserving judgment there. Not just saying any old thing.

Secondly, I don’t like physics because the Bible clearly states that the Earth is flat, fixed and at the centre of the Universe. And other such things that have since been disproved by science such as women being made out of left over ribs.

And it’s very embarrassing for religious leaders like the Archbishop of Canterbury and the Pope. No wonder the Pope always looks so stressed. He has to defend his, increasingly spurious corner, against all your ‘facts’ and ‘evidence’ with a book wherein a man has an argument with a donkey. A talking donkey. Where if a woman intercepts in a fight situation and grabs testicles she should get her hands chopped off. And where God pops down – you know, like he used to – and advises people on how to bake bread.

It’s in Ezekiel; “Prepare and eat this food as you would barley cakes...bake it over a fire using human dung”

At which point the Israelites go “oh no way, yuck!” But in biblical speak of course.

And then God says “All right” – I love that! The idea of God saying “all right (calm down)” – “All right, you may use cow dung instead of human dung”

God there, popping down to tell people how best to cook bread and with what kind of excrement.

This is the same God who didn’t ‘pop down’ when there was a holocaust going on. Weird.

And my third and final reason for not liking physics is Mr Potts, my GCSE physics teacher. But I won’t go into that here. You really had to be there.

The one thing I do like about physics is the possibility of time travel. And I was reading in the Metro recently, yes, the Metro. They are a good newspaper. I was reading that time travel is possible!

“Scientists have discovered that time travel is possible, but, quantum theory does not allow for paradoxical situations, what this means in lay terms is that you would not be able to go back and change your future”.

A shame.

Then the journalist felt it necessary to add:

“This theory makes a nonsense of the adventures of Michael J Fox in the Back to the Future movies"

Do you see? Do you see what your physics has done? It’s made Michael J Fox look a right twat.

Tuesday 23 June 2009

Take a letter Miss Jones



I carry a writing pad with me wherever I go, and from time to time I'll note down funny or strange letters that I've seen in tabloid newspapers.

I've compiled quite a few recently, and thought I'd share some of my favourites here:

If children think themselves old enough to get pregnant, they are old enough to be made to give birth, with the fathers made to watch and the babies given up for adoption. Perhaps then they won't be doing it again. (An evil solution to the problem of teen pregnancy there)

Were those two actors dressed as toast filming a remake of 'It's a Wonderloaf Life'?" (Wonderful Loaf would have at least worked)

Why do sportscasters refer to our competitors as Team GB ? Has the PC brigade banned the words Great Britain in case they offend viewers? (Someone offended by the notion of abbreviation there)

Brits are not overweight or fat. They just look it because they are all wearing stab-proof vests. (My favourite type of Sun letter – a strange combo of a joke and genuine outrage)

Lindsay Lohan may have accidentally showed her bottom but what a lovely bottom she's got. It makes a change from some of the heartbreakingly sad pictures we've been seeing lately. (My second favourite type of Sun letter - total nonsense apropos of nothing)

Do not believe Rose West's dead guinea pig was murdered. I really think it was suicide. It must have lived in terror of the time Rose got bored and did what she did with her daughter and the other victims. (I can't work out the intent behind this one - it doesn't succeed as either a joke or a serious comment)

Reading about all the mistakes the Portuguese police force have made - and are still making - in the search for little Madeleine McCann makes me glad to be British because we have such an efficient police force. (If that's a joke it's quite good, but it almost certainly isn't, given the fact it was written by someone who reads the Mail and therefore has no concept of irony)

After getting robbed by 4 hoodies and beaten at the weekend, I hope they choke on the chicken or drugs they bought with the money. (Chicken or drugs?)

The police should not be allowed to do all these stop and searches. They're taking the law into their own hands. (No comment necessary, not even this one)

Friday 19 June 2009

God Trumps



Just a quick blog to say that my God Trumps are now available.

To get a pack you'll need to follow this link and subscribe to New Humanist.

Told you it was a quick blog!

Wednesday 27 May 2009

Fun with Popes



Just a quick blog to tell you about my new 'Which Pope are You?' quiz over at New Humanist.

It's like my 'Which Paul Daniels are You?' quiz (buried somewhere at the bottom of this blog entry), but less geared towards one magician and more geared towards, well Popes.

That's all for now. I'll do a proper blog when I have the time.

I am currently sitting on some great snaps of Peter Simon hosting Bid TV which rival the ones I took of Paul Ross last week. Hard to believe I know.

Stay tuned...

Thursday 21 May 2009

Paul Ross' DVD Evening

I love Paul Ross.

I have him to thank for my recent mention on Radio 2.

It was this item that got me back into amazon reviewing.

I also love Bid TV.

So you can imagine my glee at the prospect of Paul Ross presenting on Bid TV - that there is a scenario that ticks all the boxes!

His slot is called Paul Ross' DVD Evening. And here it is in pictures:

The titles





The hard sell





The moment of clarity



And finally, the best bit - the Paul Ross DVD Evening advert wherein Paul's face is superimposed onto footage of various films and TV





Class!

Saturday 16 May 2009

Weblebrity of the Week



Yesterday as I was leaving work, I got a flurry of texts and calls from people who had heard me mentioned on Steve Wright's afternoon show.

Turns out that I was their 'weblebrity of the week' because of my fake amazon reviews.

You can listen again here for the next 6 days.

It's the 15th May episode and you'll need to flick forward about 1 hour 35 minutes into the show to listen to the blog review segment.

I'm mentioned at 1 hour 47 minutes.

Tuesday 5 May 2009

You'll like this...not a lot



Another old blog repost, this time about magician Paul Daniels.

Naturally.

A few years ago, to alleviate the boredom of a particularly grinding day job, I started contacting minor celebrities from fake email accounts set up in the names of various work colleagues.

I would email as them to say that I was a massive fan and then ask for a signed photo to be sent to the desk location and office address of that person.

I don’t know why I chose this particular outlet for my boredom. I suppose it was just an occasional, amusing distraction to watch people opening their post and finding, in addition to the usual fare, a big, glossy, apparently unsolicited picture of Barry from Eastenders.

During this phase, I went to Paul Daniels' website to request an autographed photo for a particularly unpleasant boss.

(He deserved nothing less than Paul Daniels)

Incidentally that year I also nominated him for ‘Britain’s Worst Boss’, and some Channel 5 researchers phoned him up to discuss his iffy behaviour.

Sadly he declined to go on.

Anyway, I looked around the site and when I clicked on ‘request an autograph’ I was dismayed to see that Paul Daniels charged £4 for them.

James and I decided to email him (we were a bit drunk)

It was about 2 in the morning but incredibly Paul Daniels was up and at ‘em and replied immediately:

Us Hello I would ask for an autograph but apparently you charge £4 which is hardly good value for money.
The cheek!
Why don't you learn some good tricks like David Blaine? He is miles better than you.
All my love
Ian

Daniels ‘Why don't you learn to do some good tricks like David Blaine?’
The reason is that I don't like using camera tricks and editing to fool people.
I like to use skill to baffle them.
If you like what he apparently does, however, then that is fine and I hope you have a great life.

Us I never said I liked David Blaine, I just said I thought he was much better than you.
More than anything I respect the fact that he has never had to resort to appearing on a Channel 5 reality show and nearly getting himself beaten up by Vanilla Ice.
Still, if you like to baffle people with your skills then that is fine and I hope you have a great life.
Seriously though, can I have a signed autograph? My daughter is a fan.
Ian

Daniels This conversation is destined to go nowhere as your responses come from lack of knowledge.
I did not 'nearly get beaten up' by Vanilla. He backed down and away when I apparently went for him.
The Farm was told to us as being an educational show and it wasn't until we were on it that we found out it was designed as yet another attempt to humiliate celebs.
I do TV shows that interest me.
I wonder why Blaine, who now has vanished from the scene and has told at least one show that he doesn't do magic, did nothing in a box for a month and then finished up doing less?
See what I mean?
The conversation can go nowhere.
Send me your daughter's name and address.

After seeing how easy it was to annoy the Daniels I got Viz to print the following Letterbocks entry:

'Not a lot' magician Paul Daniels is very easy to wind up. Simply email him at thepauldaniels@aol.com saying he is not as good as David Blaine then sit back.

Apparently a fair few people tried this out, and ultimately Paul Daniels posted the following statement on his website:

I have never really understood the comic known as VIZ. I have always found the 'comedy' puerile and moronic. 'Oh look Daddy... isn't that funny? They use naughty words.' 'Well, it is not so funny when you grow up son.' About two weeks ago, apparently, they published my email address (available to anyone who searches the internet) and begged their readers to write to me to tell me that David Blaine was better. I think it sort of back fired. I got more mail in praise than condemning me and to all it gave me the chance to publicise my internet shop! Sales have gone up! Thank you VIZ, but, I have to say that I was very surprised at how few, in total, wrote to me. Perhaps people have grown up and stopped reading the rubbish. I got far more women offering me views of their boobies!

Disturbing…

Speaking of boobies and Viz, the editors received this email recently:

Have any of your other readers been wondering if Christina Martin has nice tits?

I hope not.

Although I am aware that people on the Viz Facebook forum have been wondering if I’m fit (click on the picture to enlarge it):



And concluding that I’m 'not the best'.

Of course the feminist in me is outraged at the fact that whatever women do in life, even the ‘nothing to do with your looks’ arena of writing, people will generally ignore it in favour of scrutinising your attractiveness…

...But mostly I found it quite funny.

As I did these other emails received by the editors:

Can I just use the pages of your esteemed magazine to declare my love for funnygirl and Viz contributor Christina Martin. She doesn't know me yet but I shall be living in the bushes opposite her house from now on.

I have recently noticed that a Christina Martin is a very funny contributor to your 'hilarious' mag. I have decided on the basis of her sense of humour that she would very much like to go out with me. Please forward the lucky girl’s contact details to me. I'm taking a big chance I know as she may only have a lovely personality. Even so, she deserves a chance.

And on that note, here’s a shameless plug for the latest Viz annual, which contains mine and James’ contributions from the past couple of years.

Monday 27 April 2009

“As a Christian...”



People have been asking me to do this for a while, and I have finally gotten around to it.

Here are my spoof Christian character Noel Hurley’s Amazon reviews.

He got chucked off Amazon in the end, so I couldn’t just link to them, and have had to compile them manually. Hence the exponential amount of time it’s taken for me to sort them out and post them.

Noel got himself a bit of a following during his Amazon reviewer days.

Even the guy who deleted him was a fan. And when the time came he emailed me to apologise for what he was about to do!

As a Christian, Noel forgave him.

Welcoming But Not Affirming
Good points, well made
As a Christian who attends Church with gay people, I find that this topic rears its ugly head all too often amongst my congregation. Yes Jesus taught us to love everyone, but the Bible does very clearly state that gayness is wrong. It's quite a dilemma. I found this book extremely helpful in developing an approach. I am now 'welcoming but not affirming' so, for example, I will say "hello, you are welcome to come into our Church but do remember that we think you are dirty and wrong" Problem solved.

Jesus in my Shoes
And mine too!
As a Christian with a lovely pair of brogues I would usually be quite annoyed if someone had the audacity to put my shoes on. However, I would be quite willing to make an exception for Jesus, and so would the lovely lady who wrote this book! One thing troubles me though – if Jesus was in Lori Peckham's shoes that would mean he was wearing ladies shoes. I'm not sure I like the idea of Jesus strutting around in high heels. Maybe he was drunk or only doing it for a laugh. I hope so.

Ask Mr Bear
Almost but not quite
As a Christian I only approve of wholesome family entertainment, as such I have no complaints about this book. The only thing I would say is that whilst Mr Bear might be a good person to ask about finding the perfect gift for mother - the hen, the goose and the sheep all having failed to be of any help - it is ultimately Jesus to whom we should turn in times of trouble. This book would have been much better if it had been called "Ask Jesus" and the plot had involved Danny asking the hen, the goose, the sheep, the bear and then ultimately Jesus, who would not only have recommended the perfect gift but would also have shown him the way and the light.

Cop and a Half
Praise the Lord!
As a Christian I had been longing to see Burt Reynolds cast as a cynical cop whose abilities to uphold the law were hampered by a mischievous child who, in the end, as unlikely as it may seem, helps him to apprehend a dangerous criminal. Fortunately my prayers were answered in the form of this film, which I think proves once and for all to the cynics out there that God does exist and that He is good. Praise His name! (Burt Reynolds that is, not God, although as a Christian I like God too).

Toastmaster
I am the toast master!
As a Christian I admire God greatly and want to be just like him. He made everything, imagine that! I can barely put up shelves! The nearest I can get to His level of greatness is when I put my bread in this fantastic sandwich maker and say "let there be a sandwich". And lo there is a sandwich, and it is good. Amen.

Bibleopoly
Yes
As a Christian who likes Monopoly I have longed for a game similar to Monopoly but perhaps with less emphasis on money and property and more emphasis on the Bible. Imagine my joy when, lo and behold, I saw Bibleopoly for sale! It's what would happen if you took away all the good bits of Monopoly and replaced them with stuff from the Bible. Not convinced? Ok, what if I told you that instead of the places on the board being famous streets, they were cities mentioned in the Bible? Yes! And instead of the cards offering you cash prizes or get out of jail free opportunities they contain verses from the Bible instead. Yes! The winner is the first person to build a church. This might sound anti-climactic but it's not. It is good. This game is good.

Bette Middler Sings the Peggy Lee Songbook
For shame!
As a Christian I live by the 10 commandments and as such I deplore stealing in any form. Ms Middler however does not live by the same rules as I, for she has stolen all of Peggy Lee's songs and even has the audacity to brag about it in the title of her record. For shame Ms Middler for shame.

Nun of This Nun of That
Nun puns!
As a Christian who loves nuns, I don't think there are enough nun puns or books about nuns, so imagine my delight to see not only a book about nuns, but a book about nuns with a pun on the word nuns in the title! Praise the Lord.

Nun of This Nun of That II
NUN PUNS!
As a Christian who loves nuns and has previously lamented a general lack of nun puns or books about nuns, I was delighted to have previously discovered not only a book about nuns, but a book about nuns with a pun on the word nuns in the title! So you can well imagine my further delight at finding ANOTHER book not only about nuns, but with a pun on the word nuns in the title! I am so happy right now I could burst! Praise the Lord, Glory Glory!

Cross Cake Tin (item no longer available – a shame)
Eat this cake, it is my body
As a Christian who really likes cakes I was delighted to see this cake tin for sale. At last I can combine my two passions - cakes and God - in one big delicious Christian cross cake! But there is also a serious side to my Christian cross cakes. Eating cake is very pleasurable, accordingly when one eats cakes one forgets momentarily about Jesus' sacrifice on the cross. When I make a Christian cross cake I draw on a Jesus with icing. This ensures that as I enjoy the cake I am still acutely aware of the suffering of our Lord Jesus Christ. It's not often that something is both fun and reverential. Praise be!

Cod
Surprising
As a Christian I thought I knew everything there is to know about God but apparently not. For instance, I did not know that alternate names for God are codfish, rock cod, scrod and northern cod. Furthermore I always imagined he would look like a big white cloud but apparently he is small with smooth scales. I also thought that he lived in Heaven, but according to this book his habitat is the ocean’s bottom layers. I'm confused. These all sound more like the traits of a cod fish if you ask me.

Nuns Having Fun Calendar
Nuns, nuns, nuns
As a Christian I admire nuns. Lovely nuns. They're great. I would have liked to have been a nun, you get to be married to Jesus and I assume there are other perks. Sadly I am a man so I could only be a monk, but that, as this calendar testifies, is not half as much fun. The only monk calendar I could find on Amazon was entitled "A Simple Monk" and the pictures did not feature any fun looking antics. As great as God is (very great), monks don't get up to much, they have to be quiet all day and, well the bottom line is, I enjoy my jazzercise too much to give it up. God understands I'm sure.

Classic Engineering 10800 Boring Jig Kit
A jolly good product
As a Christian I found this classic engineering 10800 jig kit to be a great way of emulating Jesus in his carpenter days. I was confused therefore as to why the manufacturer describes it as "boring"? It is nothing of the sort, so come on guys, don't put yourselves down, you have made a jolly good jig kit, you should be proud. God bless you!

Bible Cure for Menopause
Yes!
As a Christian I believe everything written in the Bible, without question. Accordingly I have purchased all of the books in the Bible Cure series, because who knows best about treating illness, doctors or God? I think the answer is obvious. I bought this book for my wife who is currently going through the menopause. She is not enjoying it one bit but I think it is a very good thing. After all does the Bible not say that: "A woman who is menstruating is unclean. Anyone who touches her is unclean" "Anything which a woman who is menstruating sits on or lies on is unclean" "Anyone who touches the bed of a woman who is menstruating must wash his clothes and bathe, and is unclean until evening" "Anyone who touches anything which was sat upon by a woman who is menstruating must wash his clothes and bathe, and is unclean until evening" "If a man lies with a woman who is menstruating and any of her discharge touches him, he is unclean for seven days. Any bed he lies on is also unclean" "After her flow stops, a woman who was menstruating must count off seven days before she is considered clean again. On the eighth day, she must present two birds to the priest for an atonement for having had a menstrual discharge" The menopause puts an end to all my wife's unclean monthly punishments for Eve's weakness, and she no longer has to go through the rigmorale of the bird presentation ceremony. Praise the Lord.

Gift from God Tie
Impress your friends – look like God’s favourite child
As a Christian who likes to look his best I wear a shirt and tie at all times, even in bed. This tie is my favourite because there is a picture on it of a gift tag saying "from God". This makes it looks like God Himself bought the tie for me. Now I know that He commanded that we should not lie, but I am sure He would understand my motives in not correcting people when they say "God bought you that tie? That's great. You must be the best Christian of them all" It's not even lying really. I am a very good Christian and I am sure God would be more than happy to purchase a tie for me if we ever met. Praise his name.

Car Insurance Secrets
A lot of useful information here
As a Christian I like to go to church. But as my church is quite a distance from my home I have bought a car to save my legs. As I was new to the whole car ownership malarkey I bought this book. It is really rather useful. One thing that, as a Christian, shocked me though, was the discovery that I am not covered for acts of God. Not that I think that God would do anything bad to my car, like vandalise it or something, but if He did, say He was drunk or got dared to, then I would want to be covered. Come on God, I am driving my car all the way to church to worship you, why would you want to cause damage to it for which you would get off scot free? For shame!

Lambskin Bible Cover
Confusing
As a Christian who gets a lot of use out of his Bible, I find I have trouble keeping it clean. So I decided that I needed some sort of protective cover. I was delighted to find one for sale, but when I saw that it was made of lambskin I became confused. For was it not said in John 1:25-29: "The next day he saw Jesus coming toward him, and said, "Behold, the Lamb of God, Who takes away the sin of the world!" After a lot of soul searching I bought it, and I think I made the right decision, after all I think God would much rather a lamb had died than His books were dirty.

Bible Action Figures
Christian values for the children
As a Christian I don't approve of all these fanciful toys that teach our youth nothing and merely encourage silliness and bad behaviour. These Bible action figures on the other hand are a wonderful way to instil decent Christian values in the children and they are jolly good fun too. This set comes with a David and a Samson so the children can act out such wonderful moments as Samuel 18:27 where David slew 200 Philistines and gave their foreskins to the King, or Judges 15:15 where Samson killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass, or Judges 16:27-30 where Samson, with the help of the Lord, caused a roof to collapse killing 3000 men, women and children. Hours of Godly fun!

Jesus In Blue Jeans
If it aint broke, don't fix it!
As a Christian I thought I knew a thing or two about Jesus - I'm a huge fan - so I was naturally curious when I saw this book for sale. I didn't know He had changed His image! It opens with this line: "I was in a field and I saw Jesus walking up to me in a pair of blue jeans. Why are you wearing those I asked? Because that's what you wear today" Now, from what I know about Jesus, He would not be the type of person who follows the herd and jumps on any passing fashion bandwagon. What's more His traditional robe and sandals look suits Him perfectly - casual but with that air of mystery necessary for any self-respecting Deity to wow the masses. Whilst jeans are good they lack that extra bit of oomph. I also think that at 2000 years of age, Jesus wearing jeans would just come over as a clumsy and embarrassing attempt at being hip. Having said all that, Jesus is brilliant, possibly the best person ever, so I am sure He would look great in whatever He wore.

Knitting with Dog Hair
Margaret was furious
As a Christian with a dog, who gets left alone in the house by Margaret for long periods of time, I can sometimes get bored. You can only read the Bible so many times a week can't you? Anyway, last week I was at home whilst Margaret was out shopping and the boredom set in, so I made a jumper out of Geoffrey. He had no fur left so he has ended wearing the jumper instead of me, which I don't think is fair because I made it, but Margaret says if I ever raise that subject again she'll throw me out.

Top Hat
It really is a top hat!
As a Christian I love God, obviously, and I express my love for Him by going to Church, praying and spreading The Word, or "antagonising non-Christians" as the police called it. This is all fine but it's not enough. So I have come up with additional ways to praise Him. One of these is tap-dancing. Each night I spend an hour 'tap-dancing in the name of the Lord'. I sing a hymn whilst doing the traditional tap shuffle step shuffle step shuffle stomp. The dance is great on its own but the top hat is the perfect finishing touch. A lot of people have laughed at me when I tell them about 'tap-dancing in the name of the Lord' but I know that God is looking down on me and enjoying my dance and my nice hat. I am definitely going to Heaven.

Jesus Costume
Imitation is the best form of flattery
As a Christian I like to spend the Easter period thanking our Lord Jesus Christ for His sacrifice on the cross. I used to do this by praying and going to Church but I found this to be insubstantial. When I saw this costume for sale it gave me an idea. From now on, every Easter I will be dressing as Jesus, getting Margaret to tie me to a homemade cross and leave me hanging in the garden for the entire Easter period. This way I will be saying thank you to Jesus for His sacrifice in the best way possible; by going through exactly what He did. Obviously I won't be getting nailed up as that would hurt, and I will of course be able to get down from the cross if I need the toilet, if I get hungry or thirsty and of course if there is anything good on TV. Apart from that I feel like I will be experiencing the same hardship as Jesus did and I think He would be very proud of me.

Sin Shower Curtain (another one that’s no longer available)
A solemn reminder
As a Christian who behaves himself as all good Christians should I am pretty good at avoiding sin. I think this is partly down to the fact that I love God and don't want to displease him and partly because every morning whilst showering I am reminded of all the sins I should avoid doing that day by this, the sin shower curtain. If only Satan had owned one I believe that whole mess could have been avoided.

Map of Earth
What fun!
As a Christian I love God, obviously. So I bought this map of earth to recreate the experience of being just like God. I like to lay it out on the floor whilst I stand on a chair or on the table. I then pretend I am God up in Heaven looking down on his creation. It's great fun, but a word of warning, only do it when Margaret is out walking Geoffrey, she gets very angry when I stand on the furniture.

Pull-a-part Lil Devil Dog Toy
For people who have a dog and don’t like the devil
As a Christian I don't like the Devil one bit. His behaviour over the years has been totally unacceptable, he's worse than Skeletor. Lately I have been trying to instil this opinion in my dog Geoffrey and have found this pull-a-part lil devil dog toy very handy. I have trained him to recognise that the pull-a-part lil devil dog toy represents the Devil. He obligingly attacks it and pulls it apart when instructed. If the Devil should ever try and enter my home he will have a very nasty surprise awaiting him. Unfortunately this backfired slightly last Halloween when a trick or treater came knocking at my door dressed as a demon. He needed hospital treatment, but I suppose it serves him right for celebrating a wicked pagan festival. Yes, the Lord moves in mysterious ways, on this occasion through a dog. Amen.

Inflatable Party Sheep
The Lord is my shepherd
As a Christian I like shepherds because they come up a lot in the Bible and because, according to the prayer, the Lord is my shepherd. And if it's good enough for him! Accordingly I bought fifteen of these inflatable party sheeps so that I could create a holy herd. When Margaret found them she stormed out of the house, went to her mother's and is refusing to come back. She called me a 'pervert' and called my sheeps 'sex toys' I was dreadfully confused. But then my friend Mike pointed out the product description - Inflatable Party Sheep a.k.a. Blow up Sheep Love Doll. Apparently the manufacturers don't mean 'love' as in the pure love I feel for Jesus, they mean it in a dirty way. Regardless of whether or not my sheeps are 'sex toys' I still like having a herd and Geoffrey is enjoying being a sheep dog. Margaret and I weren't getting on anyway.

Dog Bunny Ears
Not stupid at all
As a Christian with a dog I have a responsibility to ensure that he lives his life in a Christian way. I am doing this at the moment by including him in the Easter festivities with these Easter bunny ears. Margaret is being a nay-sayer as usual. She says that dressing animals up is insulting to them and robs them of their basic dignity. She also says that the ears are cruel because they are chafing his head. Jesus got nailed to a plank of wood at Easter, the least Geoffrey (my dog) can do is get a bit chafed. Go on, bring some Easter magic to your dog.

Jesus Calendar 2002 (no longer available, imagine that)
Looking good!
As a Christian I am, of course, a massive fan of Jesus. I don't have any earthbound heroes apart from nuns (all and any) and the actor/singer Tony Danza. My love of nuns is catered for by the 'Nuns Having Fun' calendar. Sadly Tony Danza's best years are behind him and he doesn't have a calendar available (I got round this by making my own out of press cuttings I have kept over the years). But I couldn’t find anything for Jesus! It seems that the only calendars one can get these days are of stupid pop stars and women with no clothes on. I was therefore thrilled to see that Jesus had finally released one! He's posed for some lovely pictures, they are all tastefully done, no nudity, just lovely robes and a nicely groomed beard. The only quibble I have with this calendar is that it's several years out of date. But it's got Jesus in it so who cares if you miss the occasional appointment?

Monday 20 April 2009

A Night of 400 Billion Stars (and maybe some string theory)

Tickets are now on sale for the follow up to ‘Nine Lessons and Carols for Godless People’‘A Night of 400 Billion Stars (and maybe some string theory)’

Which is as good an excuse as any to repost an old blog about the Godless shows - don't worry, I'm nearly done with the MySpace blog recycling.

So New Humanist printed a feature about it at the time, which consisted of a compilation of short pieces contributed by the performers, including Richard Herring and Ricky Gervais.

I had a piece included, and because I was a regular contributor to New Humanist, I was the only performer they had a photo of.

So they used my picture as a placeholder in the draft copy, with quite freakish results:




The egoist in me obviously wanted it kept like that when going to press…

Anyway, here's what I wrote for my contribution:

Someone recently asked me if being an atheist was a joyless experience. As though one cannot hope to enjoy the Universe and all its myriad contents, colours, shapes and possibilities without believing it was thrown together in a week by a magic super being. Anyway, is it not far more joyless to slavishly attend Church to avoid Hell, or cover yourself head to foot in a burkha? I like the idea that I live in a world that has been millions of years in the making, and that will exist millions of years after I'm gone. I only get to be a momentary part of it but this doesn't make me feel so small and insignificant that I reach for a made up meaning. It makes me grateful for the short window of life I've been granted and pushes me to make the most of every moment.

Saturday 18 April 2009

Confusion, Lies and Chris De Burgh

A quick blog now about something I did this week that would only usually occur in a sitcom.

A bad, clichéd sitcom, full of unrealistic characters getting themselves into ludicrous and perfectly avoidable situations.

I was in the Post Office and I got mistaken for an American by the man serving me.

For some reason I'm always getting mistaken for either an American, a Canadian or an Australian. I can't think why, I have the most middle-England accent of them all.

Actually that might very well be it.

Over the past few years nearly everyone in South East London has started talking in a sort of weird, affected Dick Van Dyke mockney accent.

But I still speak like a normal person and accordingly I have started to sound like a foreigner in my own country.

So anyway where was I, ah yes, I was in the Post Office and the guy serving me mistook me for an American. Something I didn't realise myself until half way through the transaction.

He'd started off by asking me if I liked living in this country. But I just took this to be uncoventional smalltalk and said that yes I did.

Then midway through regaling him with the bits I liked most about England I twigged that he was asking me because he thought I was American – a fact that had been confirmed for him when it turned out the parcel I was sending was bound for New Hampshire.

Where I now hail from by the way.

For some reason, instead of telling him that I was English, I instead started to put on a subtle American accent and make up a reason for being over here - I'm a student apparently.

No idea why I started doing an accent. He already thought I was an American on the basis of my normal English voice. But I suppose I didn’t want to go and get rumbled at that late stage.

He'd think I was weird for not correcting him immediately. Oh and for giving myself a backstory.

It's my local post office, I use it quite a lot, and from now on I have to go in there remembering to pretend to be an American.

I am an idiot.

A similar thing happened to me a couple of years ago.

I had a picture of a child dressed up as a tiger as the desktop background on my work PC.

I should probably provide something by way of an explanation here.

He was a strange looking kid from this amusing news story I had read:



Looking at him always made me laugh.

Hmm. That explanation didn't do me any favours did it?

Anyway, my computer was playing up so I called IT. The guy who came to fix it thought the kid was mine and started saying "They're lovely at that age aren't they? What's his name?" And so on.

I couldn't just say "He's not mine, he's just hilarious to look at" so I found myself inventing a name and a life story for this kid.

I worked in this office for a further year, and everytime I saw this IT guy I had to update him on the progress of my fictional son.

The moral to all this, if there is one, is probably to tell the truth. Or failing that learn to lie really, really well.

And finally, some of you may recall that I like to waste both my own time and that of Chris De Burgh by asking him questions through the Ask Chris section of his website.

Well I also like to read the answers he gives to other people. And here’s a good one that I spotted earlier:

Judith and Annie Sens (29 and 54) from Volendam, The Netherlands:

Dear Chris, Last week we watched Ready Steady Cook. It was great to see you and Ronan Keating together in one programme. You and Ronan are our 2 favourite singers. We'd like to know if you know Ronan's music and what you think of it. Love, Judith and Annie from Volendam

Chris de Burgh:

What can I say about Volendam? I am thrilled about the support I have always received from the wonderful people in Volendam. And as you know, I went up and I sang in your church to raise funds for the victims of the terrible fire that killed and maimed and disfigured so many young people on the millennium New Year's Eve. Yes, Ready Steady Cook was great fun. I learned something extraordinary in that. I always thought I was a good cook when it came to meat for example, but watching a professional chef at work in 20 minutes creating a three course meal of high standard was awesome. He gave me this trick about cooking meat, where if you like fillet steak for example, you put the meat in a very hot pan and sear both sides. Well, I knew about that bit, but I didn't know about the next bit, which is: You take it out of the pan and put it on a tray, so that the juices can drip down, away from the meat, and you put that tray in a low oven for 5 minutes. And then either you can serve it straight away if people like meat rare or you cook it another little bit and then it just tastes delicious! Ronan Keating lives in Ireland. I know, he is a king golfer like myself. I come across him from time to time. He is a very nice lad. I wouldn't put myself at the top of his fan club. I think professional musicians don't necessarily do that very often to each other. But I respect him for what he has done and I wish him the best in the future. The fact that I am a professional song writer and it is something that he is becoming more and more involved in down the years, is a really good thing. And I hope that his song writing skills are honed down the years, because you can only improve, and I apply that to myself as well.

A word in your ear Chris. Two sentences that shouldn’t run in tandem are:

"...the victims of the terrible fire that killed and maimed and disfigured so many young people on the millennium New Year's Eve. Yes, Ready Steady Cook was great fun."